I recently wrote to Donald Trump, the American business magnate, television personality and author. This is what I wrote:
Dear Donald Trump,
I am sending this email to your Executive Assistant, Ms Rhona Graff, as I do not have your personal email address. I am very grateful to Ms Graff for passing my email to you. She is a very good Executive Assistant! (Assuming she has passed my email to you.)
First, let me say that I am a big fan of your property portfolio and card games. You are evidently an excellent businessman, and it is clear to me (and others) that your businesses “Trump” those of your competitors! (I am sure you have heard this joke in one form or another many times over the years, or perhaps even told it yourself in an after-dinner speech, so I hope you will excuse my little bit of fun, and I certainly hope that you did not take any offence at my using your name for humorous purposes.)
I understand you have recently built a big “golf course” in Scotland. Well done! I am not a fan of golf myself (when I have played, I have found it too difficult to hit the ball into the hole), but clearly some people are, and I am sure they will have a great deal of fun “teeing off” on the facilities you have provided. I sometimes wonder how they come up with these games! (For example, rugby.)
I understand there was a bit of a fuss when you were building the golf course, including complaints that you were destroying a dune system on a site protected by law and harassing local residents with compulsory purchase orders. Personally, I suspect that these complaints were quite unwarranted – I am sure that there are plenty of dunes and houses in Scotland, and I am equally sure that there are not enough golf courses. I must admit I haven’t been “north of the border” (the border between England and Scotland) very much myself – I find the weather a little inclement and the locals rather coarse (except for your mother, obviously) (although I never met her).
However, and here is the main reason for my writing to you, I would like to make one thing perfectly clear. While I have no reason to think you are considering it, I would like to place on record that I will NOT agree to the development of my back garden into a golf course of any variety, including a “miniature” one (which would be the most size-appropriate option for my garden).
I shan’t deny that with the correct placement of a windmill and a number of other fun obstacles (such as a clown’s head), my garden has the potential to be a miniature golf course of international repute. I also appreciate that the transport links (via the M3 motorway, Winchester rail station, and Southampton international airport) are second-to-none.
Nevertheless, the inconvenience of having visitors from all over the world tramping through my side-gate at all hours (or even during restricted opening times of, say, 9am to 5pm) would be quite intolerable. If you were to arrange a separate entrance via Tovey Place, that would improve the situation somewhat, but it would still be far from ideal.
I know that you are a busy man, but I would be extremely grateful for your reassurance on this matter.
Daniel Drummond Harvey
Having waited a reasonable period of time for a response, I have received nothing. This leads me to one of two conclusions – either Rhona Graff is not a very good Executive Assistant, or my garden is in imminent danger of being developed into an international leisure facility.